Out of the Box

I posted this on Facebook back in March and realized I should have also posted it on here. So now I'm making up for the 2 month absence haha.

"Our protest against convention is not protest for its own sake: it is a deliberate expression of our constant search for development and improvement." -Ingvar Kamprad

I get asked a lot if I purposefully do things differently than normal just to be different. And up until now I didn't know how to express why I try to be and am so different.

I never look at the world and think to myself "they are doing this way, so, I will do it this way instead". I just simply ask myself "why that way?" And if I find a way that I understand better, I couldn't care less if it is the "right" way to do it. It works for me and is efficient for my lifestyle.

I'm not going against to flow just for the sake of it, I do it because maybe there's a better way.

A friend of mine put it beautifully  "I [don't] think outside of the box, mostly because I didn't realize there was a box."

Post

It's now been 2 months since my last post. This is disappointing to me because of how consistent I've been the past 2 years. But I haven't decided if I'm very upset about it yet. Because it means something. There's a reason I haven't posted anything and it's not because I haven't had time. There's something inside me that compels me to share what I think. So either that thing has left or I have stopped thinking. I don't know. All this to say even short posts are something and having nothing to post say a lot.

Trying to Try

I have always just quit if something doesn't come naturally and easily to me: school, certain jobs, working out, some relationships, living situations, conversations, anything. If it gets to be more difficult than I find desirable, I'm out.

Up until now, this has worked well for me. My life in Kansas was sustainable and simple. I nannied 4 beautiful kids 3 days a week making enough to pay rent and live comfortably completely on my own. Even before that, growing up, I raised cattle. It came so naturally that it was almost 100% fun and also helped me make bank. I was able to do what ever I wanted because I had the money and time for it. Travel, buy a car, a laptop, a video camera, my dog.

I guess what I'm saying is, I was spoiled. I have never worked hard on something because I've never had the need. I've constantly kept myself in a bubble where I could maintain a level of contentment without having to try.

All this came up today as I was laying on my floor sorting through my head. I was thinking through plans for a road trip in the Fall when suddenly I remembered something I'd written to myself the week I got back from traveling over the summer.

 "You have bigger dreams. You're building your future, not your closet, library, or list of travels." 

That obviously doesn't hit home with you as much as it does with me. Like I said, I've always gotten what I want, when I want it. I've just been blessed with crazy opportunities and the means to follow through on them. Spoiled. When I got back to Utah after all my travels I had less than $25 to my name. I was too poor to travel, or go to school, or to even fill my own car with fuel. I completely shut down. I had no idea how to handle being outside of my bubble of ease.

I had decided during my trip on the west coast that I wanted to go back to school. I was so sure of it and excited. I was ready to jump in! But I didn't even have enough money to cover the application fees, let alone pay for a semester of college.

I tried, as I lay on my floor now 6 months later, to wrap my head around the idea of having a goal that could not be reached within the next year. I nearly broke down crying. I realized there are 2 things I have wanted for myself for years. Two things I have NEVER come even close to attaining.
Number one is to get a Master's degree. I don't know in what but I want to be a person who works hard enough to earn one.
Number two is to maintain a healthy body weight. I don't care if I become a size 2 or not. I just want to be able to survive the hunger games.

Two things normal people can do. They work out and study and get student loans and gym memberships. They have lives that are actually going somewhere besides just onward. I want to be one of those people!

 I love what I've experienced so far in my life. I've done so much! But I don't want to be weak anymore.

I want to stop maintaining and start pursuing. I want to reach a goal that takes real commitment; time, and money, and emotional strength. I want to succeed at something that wasn't just in my nature to accomplish.

I want to TRY.

Dream Catcher

I have learned something very important about myself this year. I have learned a heck of a lot but this one thing specifically transforms the way I look at the world. 

I don't have a passion.

Well, not a normal one at least. For most people it's teaching, or music, or art, or math, or planes, or plants, acting, parenting, planning, traveling, cars, food. People love things; video games and snow boarding, museums, coffee, parties, shopping, books, movies, sports.

I don't. I mean I enjoy almost everything. I can find something to love in almost everything that I do. If not love it I can still find it interesting and enjoyable to some degree. And I mean I do have my hobbies I guess. Painting and drawing and fixing things and working with animals and my ukulele. But nothing that I am just absolutely crazy about and skilled in. 

This creates kind of a directionless life. I don't have anything that I just HAVE to do. Nothing I'm dying to work towards. It also makes me feel lame, honestly. People are nerding out about their favorite things and I'm over here like "Yeah, those are cool things..." I guess I don't have anything I really nerd out about. Well, I do, but when I nerd out about it... it's a little weird.

My passion, the thing I nerd out about is: people. 

I love people. They are fascinating and entertaining and complex. People love doing things and I love that they love doing those things! I love listening to people tell stories or drawing out their thoughts with questions that normal people don't ask. I can't play video games to save my life but I love watching my friends play. I don't have very many of my own dreams that I want to fulfill but I love making even the smallest, stupidest dreams come true. I love helping and encouraging people to do the things they wouldn't normally do or won't do alone. I'm an advocate for doing what's on your mind.

You say you want to drive to Canada? Done. We'll go next fall. You want to start a curling team? I'v got jerseys designed. Practice starts next week. You want to learn a new instrument? I will probably buy said instrument or continually remind you that you want it until you get it and I will happily welcome you into my hypothetical band. You want a milkshake at 3am? I'll be darned if I don't find some place open, near-by. (To whom it may concern: with this mentality, I am the WORST person to shop with.) If you don't know what the heck you want? Let's talk. I bet we can figure it out pretty quick, and I will do what I can to help you attain it. It's what I do.

This completely changes my take on life. I'm a dream catcher. I'm the person who says "why the heck not?" and "let's do it!". I live to help other people live life to the fullest. The majority of this year I was around very few people. I was deep in depression because of it. Nearly no friends, not meeting new people often enough, I had no dreams to catch, to goals to reach. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just be happy and alone. Why couldn't I just read more, or practice painting, or play ukulele and thrive as a human being? I'm doing what I thought I loved! But living for me, just doesn't cut it.

I'm generally uninteresting. As a person I'm very average. I mean, I don't have any real interests! So what was I supposed to do with so few humans in my life? Well, I don't know. Lol. I'm still figuring that out. But! Now I understand why I deal with depression even when I'm doing nothing but what I love. A step closer to learning how to live my own life to its fullest. Yay, for learning new things about myself!

Injuring Eternity

I recently began reading Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" thanks to my elder sister's insistence. In just the few first pages I'm left with phrases that redefine the way I see things. One in particular, I read and felt the need to dissect it. 

In Walden, Thoreau is ripping apart the daily routine of the average man. Before this phrase he goes on a little rant about human divinity and slavery then starts talking about man's fate.  "What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate." ... "Think, also, of the ladies of the land weaving toilet cushions against the last day, not to betray too green an interest in their fates! 

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."

Weather or not Thoreau meant it this way, I suddenly saw my "eternity", my life, sprawled out in front of me. Every moment was like a dish in a feast. I have the choice to either stare at it and wish it was more, OR I could eat it and enjoy what's given to me. 

In our last days, or even our daily lives, is not the one thing we all beg for, more time? Yet we waste the moments we're given, waiting for more. More time to relax, more time to live, more time to do whatever the crap we are wanting to do. All that time waiting, is a perfectly good meal thrown in the trash.

Your everyday routine is your eternity, every moment. You will never miraculously "have time". It isn't going to just plop in your lap one day while you're tootling online. We're all given the same number of hours a day, it's your call how you spend them. Would you rather see your eternity, full and alive, like a banquette hall during a feast or empty and rotting because you were killing time while you were waiting for more?

 It's a conscious, moment by moment, choice in life to

 get everything you can and give all you got.

Onward

I just looked at my blog, like the stats and archives. I had over 60 views on my last post. That's so crazy. Also, I realized I've written at least one post every month for over a year now which is also pretty crazy. I've never done anything so consistently for so long! This is a really big deal for me!

I started this blog as a personal exercise more than anything. I wasn't really even sure I wanted to share it with anyone but I felt overwhelmed with the desire to be real with people and unashamed of how I think. I started posting it on all of my social media sites; Twitter, Facebook, even my Pinterest has a link to the blog. All I wanted was somewhere I could post my thoughts on the rare occasion that they complete themselves. And if someone gets something from reading them then that's awesome! If I'm the only one who reads them like a million times over, that works for me too.

For those of you who do read, you rock. You also are very likely quite insane, but I love you for that.

Little update! I hope to launch my "Study in Happiness" for real this time. I'm in a really good place for it and I have a few ideas of how to get it going. I would hope to incorporate videos and start a Youtube channel staring the beautiful people I come across but that's not my strong point. If you're reading this and you have skills with a camera/editing software, hit me up! I would love a partner in this adventure.

Thanks again to you crazy people who read these random, sometimes insane or depressing posts.

To make my day, leave a comment in response to one or more of these questions:
1) How would you describe the color green?
2) How would you describe the taste of water?
3) How would you describe how it feels to laugh, and what it sounds like?

One Year Later

Today marks exactly 1 year and a week since I left my engagement ring on my fiancé's dinning table and walked out of the apartment we were going to call home. And a year since we officially canceled the wedding. I thought,  in all honesty, that I'd be either in some foreign country creating a new identity for myself and completely forgetting everything and everyone in the States, or living a happy, normal life in the city I called home, serving in my beloved church and being a nanny for years to come. 

The last thing I expected was feeling pressured by my ex to avoid him at all costs. I did not expect to feel uncomfortable in my own church, or that I wasn't welcome to be with his family. I wasn't expecting my heart to burn with such hurt and anger that my body literally gave out, leaving me partially unconscious on the floor or shivering on the couch with fevered chills on numerous occasions. I did not expect to be so afraid of seeing him just walking down the streets that I needed to run away, move out of state.

I didn't have any real expectations when I decided I would not marry him. Except just that, not marrying him. But turns out that humans aren't naturally forgiving and civil. In fact, they are quite rude and intolerant of things that could cause them discomfort. So when you end a relationship,  that person tends to have a strong desire for you to not exsist.

The thing is, they do exsist and will continue on exsisting as long as you do. Your identity is now tangled up in theirs even though all other ties to them have been severed. I guess I thought I could move on and pretend it didn't happen. Or at least pretend that it wasn't a big deal. But you can't rip out a chapter in a book and expect to know the whole story.

I'm very glad I have not been married the past 10 months. But that man left scars in my heart that will forever ache for him. I hope one day I can enjoy irises and daffodils without thinking about the bouquets he always made for me. I hope that I will grow out of this fear he instilled in me of being fully myself. I hope that one day I will be able to trust a man when he says he loves me.

My dearest friend told me one night, just weeks before her own wedding, "God doesn't make you go through anything he thinks you can't handle. That means he thinks you're pretty strong." When I woke up on the floor of my apartment after blacking out from the pain,  I thought I would die. I wished it. I did not believe I was going to survive.  But here I stand, a year later.

I still cry about it, I still think about him randomly and feel the ache of his absence, but I survived.

God has been putting the shards of my heart carefully back together. I hate God for thinking I was strong enough to handle that but... I guess he was right, yet again.