I have always just quit if something doesn't come naturally and easily to me: school, certain jobs, working out, some relationships, living situations, conversations, anything. If it gets to be more difficult than I find desirable, I'm out.
Up until now, this has worked well for me. My life in Kansas was sustainable and simple. I nannied 4 beautiful kids 3 days a week making enough to pay rent and live comfortably completely on my own. Even before that, growing up, I raised cattle. It came so naturally that it was almost 100% fun and also helped me make bank. I was able to do what ever I wanted because I had the money and time for it. Travel, buy a car, a laptop, a video camera, my dog.
I guess what I'm saying is, I was spoiled. I have never worked hard on something because I've never had the need. I've constantly kept myself in a bubble where I could maintain a level of contentment without having to try.
All this came up today as I was laying on my floor sorting through my head. I was thinking through plans for a road trip in the Fall when suddenly I remembered something I'd written to myself the week I got back from traveling over the summer.
"You have bigger dreams. You're building your future, not your closet, library, or list of travels."
That obviously doesn't hit home with you as much as it does with me. Like I said, I've always gotten what I want, when I want it. I've just been blessed with crazy opportunities and the means to follow through on them. Spoiled. When I got back to Utah after all my travels I had less than $25 to my name. I was too poor to travel, or go to school, or to even fill my own car with fuel. I completely shut down. I had no idea how to handle being outside of my bubble of ease.
I had decided during my trip on the west coast that I wanted to go back to school. I was so sure of it and excited. I was ready to jump in! But I didn't even have enough money to cover the application fees, let alone pay for a semester of college.
I tried, as I lay on my floor now 6 months later, to wrap my head around the idea of having a goal that could not be reached within the next year. I nearly broke down crying. I realized there are 2 things I have wanted for myself for years. Two things I have NEVER come even close to attaining.
Number one is to get a Master's degree. I don't know in what but I want to be a person who works hard enough to earn one.
Number two is to maintain a healthy body weight. I don't care if I become a size 2 or not. I just want to be able to survive the hunger games.
Two things normal people can do. They work out and study and get student loans and gym memberships. They have lives that are actually going somewhere besides just onward. I want to be one of those people!
I love what I've experienced so far in my life. I've done so much! But I don't want to be weak anymore.
I want to stop maintaining and start pursuing. I want to reach a goal that takes real commitment; time, and money, and emotional strength. I want to succeed at something that wasn't just in my nature to accomplish.
I want to TRY.
