Stranger

I was never a stranger to your darkness.

At night, I would curl up on your chest.

I would rise and fall with the waves of your breath,

As your heart beat whispered your dreams to me.

I would wait there, perched in silence,

and let myself sink to the depths of your soul.

There is where I met your Fear.

He's the monster who guards the gate to who you believe you are,

The things in life you regret most,

True pain.

Although I knew what was inside,

I knew I was not welcome past the gate.

So at night, while your mind was floating among the clouds,

I sat in the dark with your monster called Fear,

And there

I fell in love.

The Cure

The feeling of alone that I have now is different  then what I've had before.
It can't be cured by friends or family. Going out makes it worse but staying home let's me wallow in it.

This kind of alone comes from having loved and lost, in a sense. I was given a taste of heaven; assurance that whatever I faced, I was never truly alone.
The battles I had within myself, I then had a partner, an ally. Someone who would step in the middle of my inner war and instill peace.
The never ending struggle of the real world was never as heavy because they were there to bare that weight with me.

But the thing that made me feel most loved is that I could let every aspect of myself beam out of me and they never cringed. They never asked me to hide any part of me. In fact, they could draw out parts of me I didn't know I had, in the best way imaginable.

I guess that's the real cure to this loneliness: letting myself flow, uninhibited, with another human being.

Guns vs. Flowers

After a discussion with my best friend, who's in the military, I realized my post could use a bit of explaining.

First off, I support what our military is doing. The mother-fluffers that heartlessly murdered our fellow humans will be put to death. They've made their choice and there are consequences. We should be consistent and thorough when disciplining. And the way we do that is through our military. We can't be soft when things like this happen.

My post was directed to us civilians. We who aren't fighting the current threat.
We are not powerless.
Instead of get angry and post about how upset you are, get off your freakin ass and do something.
Terrorist aren't just born hearteless, killing machines, they are raised in our hate-filled world and are left believing that hate is all they have to live for. And they act on that belief.

Like a tree, bad branches need to be removed. Pruned, as to not infect or harm the rest of the tree.
But like a tree, most of the problems that manifest themselves in the branches start at the roots.
Take care of the roots and no matter what the tree goes through, it will live. Even if it seems like it has lost everything, if the roots are good, if they are healthy, the tree will always come back.

Hate will always fester in our world. It's within human nature. But we can fight against it and in turn, fight against terrorism.

Personally, I don't have the money to travel and spread love to every human in all the world. As much as I want to, that is completely unrealistic. But I believe it is my personal responsibility to pour love into the world, rather than hate.

I, personally, can change the world. YOU have the power to make a better world! You won't always see the results. I would dare say you'll rarely see them. But love, true, sincere love begets more love. And I want this world to be mostly love.

I want people to look forward to bringing children, planned or not, into this world because we've made it a home rather than a war zone. I want people who don't want kids to love existing daily because even on the bad days they know the world is good AT ITS CORE.

Violence is necessary now because we, as humans, have been failing for years to cherish and care for our roots.

We have to face the problems now but let's try to FIX them so our children and our children's children can have a world worth living in.

Wreckage

I am still broken. When the overwhelming flood of happiness dims to a quiet glow, the cracks in my broken heart begin to show. I am a damaged vessel. I try so hard to hold on to that rush of joy because the moment I let go I know it will drain from me like water through my fingers. The damage is far too deep. When I feel full, I think to myself "I've done it!" Finally these shards will be mended and beat like a living heart again. But I am still broken.

Out of the Box

I posted this on Facebook back in March and realized I should have also posted it on here. So now I'm making up for the 2 month absence haha.

"Our protest against convention is not protest for its own sake: it is a deliberate expression of our constant search for development and improvement." -Ingvar Kamprad

I get asked a lot if I purposefully do things differently than normal just to be different. And up until now I didn't know how to express why I try to be and am so different.

I never look at the world and think to myself "they are doing this way, so, I will do it this way instead". I just simply ask myself "why that way?" And if I find a way that I understand better, I couldn't care less if it is the "right" way to do it. It works for me and is efficient for my lifestyle.

I'm not going against to flow just for the sake of it, I do it because maybe there's a better way.

A friend of mine put it beautifully  "I [don't] think outside of the box, mostly because I didn't realize there was a box."

Post

It's now been 2 months since my last post. This is disappointing to me because of how consistent I've been the past 2 years. But I haven't decided if I'm very upset about it yet. Because it means something. There's a reason I haven't posted anything and it's not because I haven't had time. There's something inside me that compels me to share what I think. So either that thing has left or I have stopped thinking. I don't know. All this to say even short posts are something and having nothing to post say a lot.

Trying to Try

I have always just quit if something doesn't come naturally and easily to me: school, certain jobs, working out, some relationships, living situations, conversations, anything. If it gets to be more difficult than I find desirable, I'm out.

Up until now, this has worked well for me. My life in Kansas was sustainable and simple. I nannied 4 beautiful kids 3 days a week making enough to pay rent and live comfortably completely on my own. Even before that, growing up, I raised cattle. It came so naturally that it was almost 100% fun and also helped me make bank. I was able to do what ever I wanted because I had the money and time for it. Travel, buy a car, a laptop, a video camera, my dog.

I guess what I'm saying is, I was spoiled. I have never worked hard on something because I've never had the need. I've constantly kept myself in a bubble where I could maintain a level of contentment without having to try.

All this came up today as I was laying on my floor sorting through my head. I was thinking through plans for a road trip in the Fall when suddenly I remembered something I'd written to myself the week I got back from traveling over the summer.

 "You have bigger dreams. You're building your future, not your closet, library, or list of travels." 

That obviously doesn't hit home with you as much as it does with me. Like I said, I've always gotten what I want, when I want it. I've just been blessed with crazy opportunities and the means to follow through on them. Spoiled. When I got back to Utah after all my travels I had less than $25 to my name. I was too poor to travel, or go to school, or to even fill my own car with fuel. I completely shut down. I had no idea how to handle being outside of my bubble of ease.

I had decided during my trip on the west coast that I wanted to go back to school. I was so sure of it and excited. I was ready to jump in! But I didn't even have enough money to cover the application fees, let alone pay for a semester of college.

I tried, as I lay on my floor now 6 months later, to wrap my head around the idea of having a goal that could not be reached within the next year. I nearly broke down crying. I realized there are 2 things I have wanted for myself for years. Two things I have NEVER come even close to attaining.
Number one is to get a Master's degree. I don't know in what but I want to be a person who works hard enough to earn one.
Number two is to maintain a healthy body weight. I don't care if I become a size 2 or not. I just want to be able to survive the hunger games.

Two things normal people can do. They work out and study and get student loans and gym memberships. They have lives that are actually going somewhere besides just onward. I want to be one of those people!

 I love what I've experienced so far in my life. I've done so much! But I don't want to be weak anymore.

I want to stop maintaining and start pursuing. I want to reach a goal that takes real commitment; time, and money, and emotional strength. I want to succeed at something that wasn't just in my nature to accomplish.

I want to TRY.