I saw a picture today of one of my graduating class mates and they seemed much more grown up than when we graduated high school nearly 2 years ago. And I suddenly felt that I haven't grown at all. In fact I feel almost younger than I was then. Some would say "lucky you!" But this isn't young in the good sense, like feeling invincible and full of nothing but dreams and potential. This is young in the sense of inexperienced, unmotivated, self-centered, lazy, slacker, with no career in site.
When I graduated high school, I thought I knew what I was doing with my life. I had a boyfriend whom I loved and was going to marry (nearly did), I had at least an idea of what school I wanted to go to (didn't go to) and what I wanted to study (did study for a semester at a school I had never planned to go to, the spring semester after graduation). I was heavily involved at my church (left not 5 months later) and I was part of a campus ministry for international students (no longer had time for when I had started working full-time that fall).
Senior year was a terrible, challenging year for me but at the end I felt I had grown, matured, that my life was going up and out. I had a husband, career, and church ministry all lined up for me to do with my life. I was totally set to jump into the real world. So I took the leap! And, well. Most of you know how that all turned out...
I was almost married, had an apartment, good career prospects and the excitement of growing up with the love of my life. I felt so grown up. But now where am I? Staying in a friend's basement in freakin' Salt Lake City, working a max of 8 hours a week, halfheartedly attending a church, away from my best friends. I have incredible natural beauty just miles away; canyons, mountains, deserts, and yet I spend the majority of my time doing my 3 chores and watching How I Met Your Mother.
I mean, yeah part of the reason I'm here doing what I'm doing is because I'm waiting to hear back about an internship. It would be silly to get an apartment for 4 months, especially since I know I'd never be able to afford it. I can't enroll in school for the fall yet because I don't even know if I'll be on this continent. I can't get a real full-time job because I'll be gone for 3 weeks in May. I'm just waiting, coasting on generosity of the people around me.
I am personally and efficiently made to care for people. I've always been the mama bear of the group, always the one people go to for help. I used to be the caregiver now I'm the one having to be taken care of and I do not know how to play this role. I was self sufficient and now I can't even buy my own groceries. I feel like Benjamin Button, I was born an old soul and some how I'm continually immaturing.
What happened to the Erika who was bold and constantly moving forward? What happened to my servant's heart? Why am I so focused on myself that I'm actually causing more tension and confusion inside me? Who am I? What am I doing? How was I so grown up then and so adolescent now?
