#fail

I don't know what it is but as I look around at my stuff and my life in general, all I see are my failures. Everytime I think I've got it handled, when I think I'm finally to the point where I can stand on my own two feet, the ground crumbles beneath me. I'm back to panic and stress. I don't think I've ever felt so useless in all my life.
Everything for me right now is "I can't." I can't feed myself. I can't move back in with my parents. I can't keep a normal job without stressing to the max. I can't find love. I can't lose weight. I can't make art. I can't buy a new car. And I can't fix the one I've got. I can't live alone but I can't find people I can live with. I can't convince the one person I love to love me back. I can't be enough of a friend. I can't adult. I can't sleep. I can't work. I can't keep a fucking plant alive. I can't function!
I'll never stop failing at life, but I wish I could fail at just a bit fewer things all at once...

Red, Yellow, and Black

I will destroy you.
If you don't walk away now, you will be nothing but a broken shell of a man unable to stand when this is all over.
I have the power to change you. You will want me more than your own life. Daily you will choose me over your dreams. Day 3 of our relationship, I knew you would starve yourself to be with me.

I tried to warn you. I told you I didn't want to wreck your world by becoming a priority in it.  But you insisted it wouldn't be an issue.
But I feel it.

I feel the deep, horrifying darkness that follows us in our delight. This haunting knowledge that I control you, even beyond your consciousness. You are putty in my fingers for me to mold into whatever brings me pleasure.
I know how to make you feel happy, in love even, but it isn't real. It's me taking advantage of this curious power I have over you.

You don't believe me, I'm not sure you ever will. But I can't watch you die by my own hand.

Red is selfish,
Yellow is initiative,
Black is control.

To love me is suicide.

Stranger

I was never a stranger to your darkness.

At night, I would curl up on your chest.

I would rise and fall with the waves of your breath,

As your heart beat whispered your dreams to me.

I would wait there, perched in silence,

and let myself sink to the depths of your soul.

There is where I met your Fear.

He's the monster who guards the gate to who you believe you are,

The things in life you regret most,

True pain.

Although I knew what was inside,

I knew I was not welcome past the gate.

So at night, while your mind was floating among the clouds,

I sat in the dark with your monster called Fear,

And there

I fell in love.

The Cure

The feeling of alone that I have now is different  then what I've had before.
It can't be cured by friends or family. Going out makes it worse but staying home let's me wallow in it.

This kind of alone comes from having loved and lost, in a sense. I was given a taste of heaven; assurance that whatever I faced, I was never truly alone.
The battles I had within myself, I then had a partner, an ally. Someone who would step in the middle of my inner war and instill peace.
The never ending struggle of the real world was never as heavy because they were there to bare that weight with me.

But the thing that made me feel most loved is that I could let every aspect of myself beam out of me and they never cringed. They never asked me to hide any part of me. In fact, they could draw out parts of me I didn't know I had, in the best way imaginable.

I guess that's the real cure to this loneliness: letting myself flow, uninhibited, with another human being.

Guns vs. Flowers

After a discussion with my best friend, who's in the military, I realized my post could use a bit of explaining.

First off, I support what our military is doing. The mother-fluffers that heartlessly murdered our fellow humans will be put to death. They've made their choice and there are consequences. We should be consistent and thorough when disciplining. And the way we do that is through our military. We can't be soft when things like this happen.

My post was directed to us civilians. We who aren't fighting the current threat.
We are not powerless.
Instead of get angry and post about how upset you are, get off your freakin ass and do something.
Terrorist aren't just born hearteless, killing machines, they are raised in our hate-filled world and are left believing that hate is all they have to live for. And they act on that belief.

Like a tree, bad branches need to be removed. Pruned, as to not infect or harm the rest of the tree.
But like a tree, most of the problems that manifest themselves in the branches start at the roots.
Take care of the roots and no matter what the tree goes through, it will live. Even if it seems like it has lost everything, if the roots are good, if they are healthy, the tree will always come back.

Hate will always fester in our world. It's within human nature. But we can fight against it and in turn, fight against terrorism.

Personally, I don't have the money to travel and spread love to every human in all the world. As much as I want to, that is completely unrealistic. But I believe it is my personal responsibility to pour love into the world, rather than hate.

I, personally, can change the world. YOU have the power to make a better world! You won't always see the results. I would dare say you'll rarely see them. But love, true, sincere love begets more love. And I want this world to be mostly love.

I want people to look forward to bringing children, planned or not, into this world because we've made it a home rather than a war zone. I want people who don't want kids to love existing daily because even on the bad days they know the world is good AT ITS CORE.

Violence is necessary now because we, as humans, have been failing for years to cherish and care for our roots.

We have to face the problems now but let's try to FIX them so our children and our children's children can have a world worth living in.

Wreckage

I am still broken. When the overwhelming flood of happiness dims to a quiet glow, the cracks in my broken heart begin to show. I am a damaged vessel. I try so hard to hold on to that rush of joy because the moment I let go I know it will drain from me like water through my fingers. The damage is far too deep. When I feel full, I think to myself "I've done it!" Finally these shards will be mended and beat like a living heart again. But I am still broken.

Out of the Box

I posted this on Facebook back in March and realized I should have also posted it on here. So now I'm making up for the 2 month absence haha.

"Our protest against convention is not protest for its own sake: it is a deliberate expression of our constant search for development and improvement." -Ingvar Kamprad

I get asked a lot if I purposefully do things differently than normal just to be different. And up until now I didn't know how to express why I try to be and am so different.

I never look at the world and think to myself "they are doing this way, so, I will do it this way instead". I just simply ask myself "why that way?" And if I find a way that I understand better, I couldn't care less if it is the "right" way to do it. It works for me and is efficient for my lifestyle.

I'm not going against to flow just for the sake of it, I do it because maybe there's a better way.

A friend of mine put it beautifully  "I [don't] think outside of the box, mostly because I didn't realize there was a box."